Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Happy Star Wars day!