ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Traveler’s camo
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts