(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
the clam before the storm
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know