me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.