*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
The days of good grammer has went
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
this isn’t threatening at all
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
me when I see my crush
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no