Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.