[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My blood type is b hungry.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art