Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.