A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.