Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
hackers play passwordle
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.