Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.