boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂