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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.