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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work