[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
This is Sparta
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
We avoided this particular disaster
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?