If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
That’s what I call a flat tire
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan