I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
They did not miss in the small print
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman