[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Yup
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!