I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
this will hang in the louvre one day
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know