*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”