Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
selena gomez
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*