Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt