I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
No. He’s not coming out to play
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.