The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!