Who says great literature is dead?
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
hackers play passwordle
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Cheer up.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.