One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You Might Also Like
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct