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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
<- sleeps well with others
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The photographer’s assistant
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better