Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine