“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments