When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You Might Also Like
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there