not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?