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[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
it’s the silliest best thing
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.