[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?