People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
work smarter, not harder
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Important reminders