DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Best spot.. 😅
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test