Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.