Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I missed you with all my darts
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Holy moly
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.