I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Wait a minute
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”