murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
hmmm
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together