me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Received some very disappointing news today
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.