You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Chicken bread
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome