Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?