this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
You Might Also Like
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Can Happiness buy money?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*