i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The symmetry is uncanny.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?