Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
when dads have a rap battle
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.