Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.