In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Candles never taste the way they smell
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?