You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
You Might Also Like
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.