I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.