At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]